


Tears for a Nonexistent Ghost

by PennamePersona



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec comforts him, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Magnus thinks about sad things, Post COHF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-10 01:35:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2006025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PennamePersona/pseuds/PennamePersona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seven months after City of Heavenly Fire, Alec and Magnus are happy, lying together on their bed, a night of nothing but each other ahead of them. They are interrupted by Magnus's mind and it's grasping of less pleasant thoughts. </p><p>Inspired by an ask I sent to go-insane-its-magnus-bane.</p><p>Naturally, all credit goes to Cassandra Clare for the wonderful world and characters she created. I simply used them for a small story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tears for a Nonexistent Ghost

Post-Makeout Checklist:

Lips? Bruised. 

Pupils? Blown. 

Heart? Pounding. 

Breath? Heavy. 

Eyes? Starry. 

Perfect.

Magnus was currently in his second-favorite position - lying bare-chested on canary yellow sheets, the sun just pushing down the horizon, and most importantly, heart covered by Alec's head. Alec, the strong shadowhunter who had begun laying down his walls for Magnus from the very beginning. Alec, the carefully neutral boy who loved with his entire being and refused to stop. Alec, the introvert who laughed so beautifully when he was with Magnus, utterly uncaring. Alec, who had hurt him and been hurt. Alec, who had apologized and tried to make amends. Alec, who had always called him and left the most heartwrenching messages. Alec, who had stood his ground when Magnus had been a fool, who had told Magnus that he could do without him. Alec, who hadn't wanted to save the world. Alec, who wanted him, always, for as much time as he could give. Alec, who loved him. 

Alec, who also had his shirt off. Alec, who had what had to be the most attractive and mouthwatering chest in the entire history of the world. Any world.

Alec, who was smirking. 

"What's so funny, sweet cheeks?" Magnus asked as he played with the ends of Alec's jet black hair. 

"Your heart is racing." Alec said against Magnus's chest, pressing a kiss right above his heart, which naturally, picked up any speed it had lost in the quiet moments between the end of the kissing and Alec's comment.

"Not as quickly as yours." Magnus reached his slender fingers to the side of Alec's throat for emphasis. The shadowhunter's heart was, indeed, pumping with impressive speed, easily noticeable against the seemingly delicate skin. Seemingly delicate until Alec shifted enough to allow the light to catch the silvery scars on his pale skin, only adding to his beauty. 

"Well yours is supposed to be slower!" Alec laughed. "Steadier." He traced patterns against Magnus's skin, which the warlock thought to be random until he picked up on the familiar sweeps of the runes that decorated Alec's skin.

"You know, that was one of the hardest things. Going to sleep, thinking I heard your heartbeat, knowing it was just a trick of my mind." Magnus could just barely see Alec slowly blinking his gorgeously blue eyes beneath the inconsistent curtain of his dark hair. "And in the subway tunnel, I felt it and all I could think was that it was so steady, that it had to be the steadiest thing in my whole life. And I might have to go on the rest of my life without it."

Magnus had gone back to carding his hands through Alec's hair, listening carefully, quietly. They spoke of these things sometimes, and usually it was Alec who brought it up, wanted to get it out. Magnus had been hesitant to bring back bad memories as first, thinking irrationally that it might invite the bad things back.  
It spoke a lot for how far they'd come that it was Alec who comfort him. And he was glad to accept that comfort. 

"I'm sorry." Magnus said, closing his eyes. "I...didn't know what to do. You...this, us....scared me." His voice shook slightly, but he tried not to focus on that. It had been seven months since they'd gotten back from the demon realms, seven months since they'd gotten back together. Seven months since they'd moved in together. And somehow, it still managed to feel new, everyday. New, yet comfortable and wonderful and...everything Magnus had ever dreamed of.

"I know." Alec murmured, kissing Magnus's chest again. "I'm sorry, too. We were both scared. And outside influences weren't really helping."

"Well that's definitely true." Magnus half-laughed, not quite with humor. "I can't say I'm all that upset Camille's gone."

Alec made a sound of agreement. 

"Not just her, though." Alec said, picking up his finger just lightly enough that Magnus could feel goosebumps rising up where he traced out a stamina rune. "The Seelie Queen didn't much help, either."

"The Seelie Queen?" Magnus drew his brows together in confusion. "What did she do?"

"Oh, I forgot I didn't tell you. It was when we were looking for Jace and Clary went to ask her for help. Simon made a joke and apparently she didn't appreciate me laughing. She made me look old, withered. It was just an illusion, but it set my fears up a few unnecessary levels." 

The way Alec said it was almost casual. There was sadness there, regret on the edges. But...there was acceptance, too. Magnus knew that both of them had been happy enough to have each other, worked on accepting what couldn't be changed. In an ironic twist, Alec seemed to be doing better accepting his own eventual death than Magnus was. His trouble no longer stemmed from being forgotten, just another in a long string, not since Magnus had opened up to him. Now, his regret was that he would leave Magnus alone, unable to stay with him. He truly didn't wish to be immortal, and he didn't want Magnus's immortality stripped from him, but he despised the thought of Magnus being irreparably hurt by his death. 

Magnus could hardly do anything but breath deeply in an attempt to calm himself down, refusing to let that though sink in any more. He was glad, just then, that Alec couldn't see his eyes, sure they were full of panic that his boyfriend wouldn't ignore. 

"Sounds in character for her." Magnus said, not much trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "I'm sorry, love." He said the last part in a much gentler voice, kissing the top of Alec's head.

"It's alright, now." Alec said, sitting up enough to prop himself up on his forearms and look at Magnus's face. He leaned down, letting their lips brush against each other. "Now I've got you, and you won't be getting rid of me for quite a while."

He sealed their lips together before Magnus could say anything in response, not pushing with the intensity of what they'd been doing before, but more than would be considered an entirely gentle pressure. It calmed Magnus to feel Alec's slightly chapped lips moving against his own; a physical reminder that the one he loved so dearly was close to him, very close. 

He wondered if he'd feel the ghost of this pressure after Alec died. 

That was too much. Magnus stiffened slightly against Alec, who pulled back and looked at him in concern. 

"Magnus?" Alec asked worriedly. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Magnus said, pulling a vaguely shaky smile from who knows where and sitting up. "Do you want to order out tonight?" He knew Alec would notice the subject change. However, he was also fairly sure Alec wouldn't press him. The withdrawn boy he'd first met had grown so much. He was still recognizable as Alec, still didn't quite express himself fully, especially with people he wasn't entirely comfortable with around, and still a but conservative, but he'd gone through so much and come out the better for it. 

Who knew who he'd be a year from now? Ten? Twenty? How long would it take until the really obvious changes set in? The frailty, the aches and pains, the little things that grew bigger until it seemed to consume a person, until -

"Magnus?" Alec was sitting back, watching him carefully. He paused a best too long, making it obvious that he knew something was upsetting Magnus. "Do you want me to call for Chinese?"

Magnus's shoulders slumped in relief. "Yes, that'd great. I'll be out in a minute."

Or ten. Maybe twenty?

"Alright." Alec stood up and made to walk out the door before turning back around and giving Magnus's shoulder a comforting squeeze. Magnus lifted his hand to cover Alec's, looking down but grasping firmly for a moment before releasing him. He heard Alec walk out of the room and close the door quietly, leaving Magnus his privacy. 

So considerate. So kind. Caring. And Magnus loved him, oh, how he did. Magnus had been alive for so many years, felt them sometimes in ways he didn't know how to describe except for...weary, tiring. Old.  
He'd been hurt so many times, too. And still he'd opened his heart to love because what else was there? What else could anchor him?

And Alec fit him so well...they'd had a rough relationship, certainly, but the moments of warmth had lodged themselves so deeply in his heart that Magnus was so certain that he could never forget the feeling of being close to Alec, of feeling him so close, knowing that he was right there, that he wouldn't...leave...

Magnus wasn't sure when he'd started crying, but he knew it didn't seem as though he'd be stopping for a while. That would be alright, he thought. Maybe it would be best to get all of this out, right? And he couldn't have been sitting here for too long or Alec would have paced a hole in the floor and come back to see how he was, if he was alright - 

Wait. Magnus drew his hands away from his face (evidently there to muffle his sobs - at least his subconscious had been thinking) and realized that the warmth on his back was certainly not that sun, seeing as that had set by now (and he'd been so happy to have a lazy night with nothing to focus on but Alec, Alec, Alec) but was perhaps, close enough. 

He grasped Alec's forearms where they clutched at him from behind, leaning into the welcome embrace. 

"How long did you pace?" Magnus asked after a few long moments, allowing his body to calm down.

"Fifteen minutes. I did call for the food, though, so it might have been a couple minutes longer." Alec said quietly, holding Magnus tightly to him. Magnus gave a half-smile. 

"I love you." He said, allowing a few quiet tears to escape him. "I don't want to lose you."

"I love you, too." Alec said, pulling slightly at Magnus's shoulders until he turned around to face him. Alec put a hand on Magnus's cheek and leaned in to kiss his tears away. "And you'll never lose me."

Magnus grasped Alec's hand tightly, pressing a kiss to it before releasing. His eyes, he knew, must be sad. Maybe they were filled with what Alec sometimes called a "distant sadness." It didn't feel distant, now. It felt real and right there and piercing. 

But not quite as real as Alec did, perhaps. Maybe the right here, right now, of living with his boyfriend, loving him, knowing that they had a lifetime together, would be enough. Not his lifetime, of course, but maybe sixty more years with Alec was enough to look forward to for right now. Best not to worry himself with the future. What good would that do? He'd just felt the effects of it, and he'd rather not have either himself or Alec deal with that on a regular basis. 

He leaned in and kissed Alec, tasting the salt of his tears. Right now, there was this. If nothing else right now, in this moment, he had Alec right here next to him, kissing him, wonderful and perfect and alive.

The moment was almost ruined by the buzzer announcing the arrival of the Chinese food, but not quite. Magnus felt as though nothing could quite ruin this moment. 

...~...~...~...

Alec watched Magnus as he payed the delivery person for their food (something Alec had insisted he get accustomed to doing) from his position on their couch. It was something he usually loved to savor, the thought of the apartment being theirs. Now, though, he was thinking more of Magnus. Magnus didn't usually cry, but somehow, Alec hadn't been surprised when he opened the bedroom door and saw Magnus sitting there on the edge if the bed, attempting to conceal the sobs coming from him. 

Alec knew he was mortal and Magnus wasn't. Oh, how he knew it. He was all too aware that someday, he would die and Magnus would live on, alone. 

That wasn't acceptable to Alec. The thought of Magnus being with someone else twisted something inside him, bothered him, but it wasn't the same awful mix of jealousy and fear that had sent him to Camille, desperate to discover more of the man he loved. 

And even if he didn't enjoy the thought of Magnus with someone else, he also didn't like the idea of Magnus being alone after him. He knew he couldn't be immortal. It would be too much for him, to see his family, his friends die and know he could outlive them by centuries. 

There had to be some way, though, for Magnus to have someone, always someone there for him. He knew he had friends, Tessa, Caterina, people who cared for him and would love on as well. It wasn't quite the same, though. 

...~...~...~...

The answer would not come to either of them until much later, when Magnus broached the subject of children.

**Author's Note:**

> [Buy me a coffee!](https://ko-fi.com/A375K8Q)


End file.
